The following is an example of an author's draft, not mine, where I tried to enhance it in my personal way staying true to the author's original prose. If you'd share how you'd do it different, we all gain. An old adage never more important than practice, practice, practice.
Here is the original sample:
As dusk approached, Eric marveled at the rifle Zachariah had once ownedand now through the old man’s generosity, Eric owned. He grasped the barrel with one hand and the stock with the other. It was a handsome piece of craftsmanship of walnut stock and glimmering steel. He clicked on the safety button and pushed the locking lever to disengage the barrel. There were two cartridges in the chamber. As Zachariah always said, the rifle was useless unless it was always loaded. It was an impressive clicking sound when he opened and closed the chamber. He felt empowered by the heft to it. He took out the two cartridges, fondled them in the hands, a cool and somewhat unsettling feel to them and put them back in their chamber.
Here is my suggested revision: